Two Word Therapy

I think this skit is hilarious, but I was a little nervous about putting it on the site. It has to be taken in a light-hearted manner and I’m concerned it might offend some. I truly hope it doesn't.

In it, Bob Newhart plays a psychologist who uses two words as his therapy for all manner of phobias and psychological problems. I certainly don’t mean to offend anyone struggling with serious psychological issues or to minimize their suffering or to trivialize their therapy.

On the other hand, humor can be therapeutic.

After the video, I tell a little story about how these two words actually can be helpful. I used them in my own real life…

I hope you laughed at that.  Here’s the story I mentioned…

My wife Jackie is a breast surgeon (can you imagine the wonderful dinner table conversations our son grew up with?). She’s a wonderful woman and a very skilled surgeon. She's also a spiritual seeker.

As a result, she’s often invited to speak on a variety of “alternative” topics. For example, she's giving a keynote address at a conference on spirituality and medicine that’s coming up soon.

Even though Jackie has been on a spiritual path for years and continues to learn and grow (one example, she just came back from a ten day Centering Prayer retreat), she has difficulty seeing herself as a teacher in these areas.

It’s a little bit odd, really. She’s not afraid of public speaking. If you asked her to give an hour talk on the genetics of breast cancer or anything else about breast health - no problem.

It’s talking about things like spirituality or belief systems that make her uneasy. She’s not willing to accept that she is indeed qualified to speak on these subjects. She also “doesn’t want to be anyone’s guru.”

So there’s a predictable pattern I’ve recognize over the years. The organizers of some event will contact Jackie months ahead of time and ask her to present. Because the event is a long time off and the organizations are usually ones Jackie wants to support, it’s easy for them to get her to agree.

She usually tells me about it, and then I hear it casually mentioned from time to time over the following months. “I have that talk coming up…”

About two weeks before the presentation, she mentions it more often. Now insecurity and even a little bit of annoyance (“Why did I ever agree…”) starts to creep in. 

A few days before the talk, she’s miserable to be with. Well, not completely miserable, but not her usual charming self. Mention doing anything and: “I can’t, I have to get ready for this {expletive} talk…”

The thing is, her talks always go great. She actually enjoys them after the fact and gets tremendously positive feedback. The fact is, people benefit greatly from hearing of her experiences and insights. Her humble manner makes the message even more powerful.

The pattern is obvious and completely predictable, so you think she’d recognize it and just let it go. But no…

So she has that spirituality and medicine talk coming up. The other night we were out on the deck around sunset. She’s reciting the usual litany about why giving the talk is a crummy idea and how she’d never going to agree to do another one, and yada, yada, yada…

It was the usual for this stage pre-talk.

At first, I responded in my usual way by pointing out how well her talks are always received, why she’s qualified to speak, etc. That was as successful at perking her up as it always is, which is not at all.

As she started reiterating again how bad this talk thing was, I had a different idea. 

Trying to channel my best Bob Newhart imitation, I near-shouted:

“Stop It!”

Fortunately, Jackie got the joke. It was fun to laugh. And I think it did help Jackie reframe about the talk.

The skit is meant to be humorous and irreverent. Still, it has grain of truth in it.

Controlling our thoughts is one of the most important skills we need to acquire in life. Too often we get stuck in “thought ruts,” thinking the same low-quality thoughts over and over. 

Something as simple as mentally shouting “Stop It!” when we catch ourselves in a poor pattern truly can be therapeutic.

Worry is one form of low quality thought (you can read my article on worry here).

Jackie often deals with worry in her practice as a breast surgeon. In fact, when we first watched the skit, she said “I do that with my patients.”

Not as bluntly as Bob Newhart of course, and the phrase she has uses is “Don’t go there.”

Hearing that you have breast cancer is never easy (for that matter, neither is telling someone that they do. Bringing both compassion and expertise to the conversation is one of the most important roles a physician can play. Part of the art of medicine is judging just what approach is best for each individual.

Often, when a woman learns of the diagnosis, she goes into a worry mode about what the future might hold. Jackie listens for a while, then advises the woman “Don’t go there.”

She explains that a successful outcome is the most likely future (these days, that’s the truth), and if anything unpleasant does come up they’ll deal with it then.

In the meantime, if the woman is going to imagine anything in the future, it’s much more accurate and productive to imagine growing old together with her family and loved ones.

Mental state really does influence physical health. Jackie knows this at her core and is passionate about helping her patients deal successfully with the psychological stress of breast cancer and it’s treatment. Her skills in that area probably help her patients more than her notable abilities in the OR.

Enough of that aside...

Again, I hope you took this skit in the light hearted way it was intended. Who knows? You just might find those two words really useful as you take them out in the world.